Not written for a while. i guess I've been pre-occupied with college. Looking back the last time i wrote in here was 15 days after my op, its now just over one week shy of 5 months.
My chest is recovering really well. I still have some tissue damage on my left side that has resulted in the swelling not going down yet. My right side is okay.
Saw my surgeon on wednesday and she said she's happy from a surgical point of view, however when she sees me in 12 months, if i'm unhappy with anything she'll sort it out then. Up to now i think it looks really good! I'm getting my strength back by the day. to think 5 months ago i couldn't lift up a cup of tea, to today - where I helped an old couple swing out the canal bridge so they could get their boat passed. Although, i shouldn't of done it because i could feel some twinges in my chest. Pushing a 30 tonne bridge isn't the smartest thing to do.
It's incredible the freedom i have now. My self-esteem is building up and I'm beginning to feel... normal. It's weird. it's weird having problems that aren't with myself, and its weird that my reaction isn't to blame myself or take things out on myself. It's weird being able to look in the mirror and not see a stranger anymore.
However, I'm still me. I'm sticking to my new years resolutions as well! Pushing myself out of my comfort zones.
We had really good weather today and I was boiling, so I went up to primark to buy a tank top. I've always felt a bit silly wearing them and the idea of wearing one in public or at the gym is something I've not been comfortable with. I'm not exactly a big gym hitter, and i once recall belle telling me she thought they were a bit gay for straight guys. It was strange wearing it, i felt on edge and exposed... if that's the right word? But it was good to get the sun on my shoulders and i wasn't overheating.
I think I'm making good progress on the comfort zone thing. it's making me stronger mentally.
Despite that, I would say the biggest challenge I've set myself is in college though...
We're on our Final Major Project in college, we choose any topic we like, work our asses off, and then on June 21st, put up our work for the exhibition. This is my 4th and final year at School For The Arts, and it's also been 4 key years to how much I have changed. I was just starting down the road to where I'm at now when I started college back in '07, and as of now, I'm at the end of it and ready to move on to new things. So I've decided to make this project count. I'm taking a huge step and being really open with myself, and whoever may look at my work at the show, but I'm basing my project on the last 6-8 years of my life. The emotional physical and psychological struggles - everything that has brought me to where I'm standing today.
It's really strange writing about myself, asking people who've known me to tell me about myself. I think I've dived in a little too deep with it all, but I know where I'm going with it. The visual language is key in all of this and I think I'm gonna handle this one quite well. It's not just for a final project, it's a good bye to everything of the past. Some closure, so i can move on. That's how I'm seeing it anyway.
