4 years ago, I promised myself I wouldn't commit suicide until this operation was over with first. To experience the freedom that I believed is on the other side.
I feel like today was my last day on earth. The odds are on my side for things going right tomorrow, but there's still the small chance something could go wrong. reality has been like a huge smack in the face thinking about it.
I hope these 4 years will pay off.
that I can renew myself and finally put everything behind me.

I guess I'll still have psychological damage, which I doubt will ever go away. my head is still a mess and I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm saying. Why I'm saying or doing what I'm doing. I can't make sense of much and thinking about trying to feels too exhausting.


...tonight is going to be a long night of thinking.